Dressed to Hurl

It's time to start saying "no" to the retro uniform renaissance. Walk around Citizens Bank Park's main concourse and you'll see a slew of t-shirts and hats emblazoned with that bizarre, 1970s Phillies "P," the one with the goofy-looking baseball in its center. And the colors -- the horror, the horror! You'll see caps in the horribly glaring home uniform maroon, and shirts that resemble that era's fey road powder-blues. Yes, I know the Phils won their only World Series in these unis, but there's a reason they were jettisoned after less than 25 seasons' use: Much like the old woman's age spots in that commercial from the '70s (there's that decade again), they were ugly. (Or fugly, as the missus and I put it when something is really heinous.) It's not a look for the 21st century. It screams polyester leisure suits. It yells disco. It bellows AMC Gremlin. It's as much a hideous symbol of its time as Houston Astro orange and Vancouver Canuck brown.

If you have to go retro, Phillies fans, I say do it right -- go back to the turn of the 20th century, when the players wore a cool, block-letter "P." It was much more imposing symbol that the smiley-face, touchy-feely version that polluted the '70s uniforms. And in case you're wondering, the Phils did reach a World Series playing in those unis, in 1915, when they were beaten by the Red Sox. Those Phillies uniforms were extremely effective, producing an ordeal so arduous to Boston that the Sox have been able to win only one other title, in 1918, in the 89 seasons since. And there wasn't a stitch of powder blue in sight.